Remember the timeless classic children’s book from a few years ago, “Go the F*ck to Sleep“? If you don’t, you should check out this dramatic reading by the one and only Samuel L Jackson. A family member e-mailed me the link to that video for the eleventieth time the other day and it got me thinking. What other tongue-in-cheek kids’ books do I wish were out there? Here are five. If any publishers are reading this, feel free to contact me. I can write these.

How to Wipe Your Butt

This one may be a challenge to put together. The last thing someone wants to buy is a picture book of kids wiping their butts. On the other hand, I really wish my kid knew how to wipe his own butt and would probably buy a book that helped him learn. If I had a dollar for every time my son ran into our living room without pants on while we had company to loudly tell us that he needed me to wipe his butt, I would have seven dollars – which would probably be enough money to buy this book.

You Probably Shouldn’t Eat That Rock (Alternate title: Don’t Put That in Your Mouth!)

Tired of your kids licking the plug sockets? Wish Jimmy would quit eating pennies? Here’s a colorful set of rhyming couplets aimed to explain to kids why the only thing they should put in their mouths is food. Here’s a sample:

As tempting as it may be to put a rock inside your mouth

It is dirty and hard and won’t digest if for some reason it goes south

Your tummy cannot break it down and turn it into poo

Yet it will still come out from the place that other softer things tend to

Don’t Call Fat People Fat (And Other Obvious Things You Shouldn’t Point Out)

Kids don’t understand complicated things like being politically correct, or being considerate of other people’s feelings. And while it may not be completely futile to attempt to explain things like empathy to a toddler, sometimes we just need to be blunt, up front, and point them in the right direction. Enter the book “Don’t Call Fat People Fat (And Other Obvious Things You Shouldn’t Point Out.)”

It would be an interactive picture book where the toddler is asked to describe the picture on the page. A sliding cardboard piece will reveal alternatives to calling people fat, short, pregnant, bald, and smelly (scratch and sniff page).

Stop Hitting Your Sister or I’m Putting You on Craigslist

This one is another rhyming couplet book with amusing pictures. Here’s a sample.

If you hit your sister one more time, I think you’ll have to go

I’ll post your face on Craigslist and price you rather low

I’ll ask whoever buys you, be it a Misses or a Mister,

To remind you daily, that you’d still be home, if you hadn’t hit your sister

Please Just Be Quiet for 15 Minutes

“Please Just Be Quiet for 15 Minutes” is a book designed to help children identify when either mommy or daddy are about to lose their shit. Signs like mommy repetitively rubbing the bridge of her nose or daddy gently banging his head against the wall or mommy not bothering to pour the wine into a glass before drinking it or the sound of daddy gently sobbing through the bathroom door are ALL signs that maybe… just maybe for the love of god you should please just be quiet for 15 minutes.

The second half of the book will include fun activity suggestions of what kids can do silently for fifteen minutes. Activities like “Seriously, I don’t care if you look for buried treasure behind the drywall, or make magic potions out of the chemicals under the sink, as long as you do it quietly and somewhere besides here.”

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How about you? What childrens’ books do you wish exsisted? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to come say hello on the Ask Your Dad Facebook Page!