November 18, 2014
20 Somewhat Horrible Things I Do to My Kids That I in No Way Feel Guilty About
This following list was compiled from Stevie, myself, and a few other guilty parties whose names will be protected until my death. They know who they are, and they don’t feel guilty either.
- I’ve been trying to use up the gross generic peanut butter that we bought a while ago. When we make sandwiches, the kids get generic. I get Jif. I’m choosy… and selfish.
- If we are at the end of a loaf of bread, the kids always get the butt. They think it is the “special” piece.
- I eat the filling out of Oreos and give my son the gross cookie part.
- When the kids ask for more food after dinner, I tell them that food before bed gives them nightmares. The second their heads hit the pillow, I make a second dinner – an ice cream dinner. I sleep like a rock.
- We take batteries out of annoying toys and say that they are broken. Then when we put the batteries back in, we act like we are toy fixing gods. LOVE US, FOR WE HAVE FIXED YOUR TOY!
- If someone at a party gives my kids juice, I sneak it away and water it down until the only thing juicy about it is the color. If my kids ever taste real juice their heads may explode.
- I steal my son’s favorite toys so he has to sit with me.
- I eat all the good Halloween candy. My kids are unaware of the existence of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.
- I stare at her while she sleeps.
- I have a special signal that tells my husband to unplug the wireless modem. Then I pretend to be really sad when we can’t watch Winnie the Pooh on Netflix for the 3rd time that day.
- I have avoided teaching my kids about clocks and time just so I can put them to bed at 6 PM in the winter. I am hoping this lasts until their early teens.
- I haven’t told my daughter that she writes the letter J backwards every time because I secretly don’t want her to stop doing it. Ever.
- I tell my kid Santa exists. Not because I like having them believe in magic and giving them presents, but because I find it convenient to have a made up, mythological being whose arbitrary judgment of right and wrong can be used to manage my children’s behavior.
- I locked my kids in my car once. It was cold outside and the car was running with the heater on, so I just hung out and waved at them through the window for a half an hour while we waited for the locksmith to get there.
- When I am mad at my daughter, I fart on the way out of her room after putting her to bed.
- Sometimes I will mess up the last line of the lullaby and tell her that it didn’t count just so I can sing one more song with her.
- I fell asleep with a Sharpie Marker in my hand and it got all over the microfiber couch. I tell everyone it was my three-year-old.
- On occasion, when playing pretend with my son, I just tell him that my pretend character is pretending to take a nap. Batman takes a lot of naps in our house.
- When our kid was little, we use to clap and cheer when he took a tumble. We found that if we gasped and ran to him he cried, but if we cheered he bounced back up proud of the show he put on. Now he has no fear and we have created a monster.
- I love my kids too much. Like way too much. The kind of love that is like an open wound. The kind of love that is like an exposed nerve. I am 100% vulnerable. My kids could destroy me, and sometimes I act just a little more pissed than I need to be just to throw them off from the truth. The truth is that they win even when they don’t know they are winning. And the truth is that I’m strangely ok with it.
OK. Your turn. What don’t you feel guilty about? Comment away! Oh and come join the party on the Ask Your Dad Facebook Page! We’re 100% guilt free.
50 Comments
"The car is tired and needs a rest. Looks like we're walking!" (Us, in an effort to get Lazybottom to walk some place without whining.)
When I don't want to share special takeout food with my 3 year old (who will eat 90% of my plate after only licking and touching everything on his plate) I tell him I got extra, extra extra spicy and pretend my food is burning my mouth and whimper about how spicy it is. Then he goes and begs his dad to share food with him. I don't feel bad, I feel FULL. 😛
Telling the kid that there's beer in my Sonic cup so he won't want any of my Cherry Limeade…..now he thinks day drinking is the norm.
I did the juice thing for the longest time. She finally had full juice on a plane ride. It was like I gave her speed. And was a very poor choice.
When I don't want to share a drink/food with my kids, I tell them it's "Mommy's Medicine", so they can't have any because it will make them "sick". It worked on my oldest until she was about 4. If I'm lucky I have another 1-2 years of selfish indulgence before the younger two realize just why Mommy needs "medicine" all the time…
My four-year-old thinks, like Santa Claus, the folks who run Netflix know if he's been bad or good and will turn off his access if he's been bad. I've even staged phone calls to Netflix to see if they will turn the movies back on if his behavior improves. They are only obliging sometimes.
That is a great one that I am stealing
I like that. Lol
I made it outside before the kids one Easter to hide the eggs and by the time we got out with them animals had started chewing through the plastic eggs, so now I told them the EB heard and now leaves the basket of eggs for us to hide for him in the AM after the kids wake up 🙂 now a little extra sleep on a holiday/Sunday
My husband has convinced the kids that the first drink of milk from a new jug is the best. And now when he opens a new jug, they all stare, wide-eyed with anticipation…as he drinks the first glass! LOL!
When my kids couldn't read I would tell them that certain restaurants had signs saying they were closed or closing early so we could just skip going.
#8 all the way, baby. Same candy, too. 🙂
Gypsies………they come to pick up the naughty kids at the curb or from the large blue hunger task force barrels at the stores.
Being an actual ethnic gypsy known as Roma, i would like to thank you for continuing horrible and baseless racial stereotypes that have allowed the persecution of my people for centuries including the holocaust.
Lots of people were persecuted during the Holocaust. I don't get my panties in a wad when people make Polish jokes.
Lol seriously. When they watch Gypsy Sisters on TLC, they'll know what they're really like.
After 3 straight hours of cartoons on cold days when we can't play outside……I turn the channel to my desired talk show during a commercial and when the start whining and complaining, I tell them; 'ohh, no it's over, but there is another one on in an hour and we can watch that one!' With a huge smile that makes them think they are lucky yo only have to wait an hour. As well, when my oldest was 2-3, he hated getting dirty….SO….when I didn't want him to touch something, I'd tell him, 'it has poop on it!' With a very concerned look on my face.
Now i feel normal.. I have pretended to be asleep when they wanted something and i would hear Shhh Moms sleeping and they would quietly run away then i would open my eyes and watch the rest of my show…
or threaten Baby Jail Thats a bad one Kind of feel bad about that one !!! ( i.e. if you don't sit in your car seat and buckle up the police will take you to baby jail)
For the dads out there, I've occasionaly been known to pinch (lightly) the baby when I don't want to hold him/her. I'm sorry honey he just didn't want me to hold him right now. 😉
Not cool, why would you purposely hurt them for your own benefit..and hell it's just holding the child..big whoop. Asshole.
I feel really sorry for your kid that you are his dad. I also feel sorry for your partner!
Eventually your child will associate you with pain, and he/she will cry when you come near, no pinching required. But, hey, then it will be just what you wanted! Asshole.
It's nice how this is considered being an asshole but the other ones aren't, hypocrites.
Probably because nobody else is purposely, physically hurting their kids. But, go ahead and tell yourself it's the same thing. I didn't always feel like holding my kids either. Wanna know what I did? I held them! Because they were babies and babies need love. And who better to love them than their mother? I still hold them now if they ask and sometimes even if they don't. Someday you're gonna wish you could hold them and THEY won't want YOU to.
Grow up!!
These are ALL hilarious and absolutely understandable why they should guilt free; EXCEPT this ^ one, in my opinion. Inflicting any kind of pain upon your child, no matter how "lightly", so that you can get out of holding them, just seems sick. Especially if it is working… That means your method is clearly making your child fuss or worse, cry. Why purposely hurt them for your own personal gain? Idk, maybe I'm going overboard here, this one just got to me.
Agree! u can't hold ur kid?!? So u make him cry?!
The cavity monster is coming if you don't let me brush your teeth! The bedtime monster is coming if you don't go to sleep right now! I've created monsters for everything and don't feel the least bit guilty. Hey, whatever works!
Hehe! In Norway we all scare our kids with Karius&Baktus(rough trans: Caries&Bactie). "If you dont brush your teeth, they will build a house in your tooth".
It's from an old childrens short film�� http://youtu.be/VOJo73IGpfE
We have 2 grandsons that are in our custody, They are ages 5 and 6. About 4 years ago I invented Cry Man. If they started crying I would sneak out and scratch or pound on the window and Grandma would tell them Cry Man was out there and if they didn't be quiet he would come in. Stopped the crying.
Car wouldn't start until seat belts were buckeled… Always works on manuals
When I don't feel like "watching" Monster's University for the 300th time in the car, I tell my kids that the DVD player runs on "children's silence" and that, at the moment, our tank is complete empty.
We told our son that "they" wouldn't let us buy diapers after he was 3 years old.
Nice post! Thanks 🙂
I got tired of changing diapers for more than one after I had my son so I told my almost 3 year old that we didn't have anymore.. she told me we had to get some more and I kept telling her the store didnt have anymore.. she was potty trained in a week lol
The tooth fairy doesn't work weekends in our house because I always forget. Oh, and rubbing alcohol gets Sharpie out of microfiber couches (don't ask me how I know that.)
yup – sharpie + cream carpets is a bad idea ….. add some Vodka and not only does it come out but mummy no longer cares it was there to begin with.
I told my kids that water killed germs so they would put their skinned knees under the water while bathing. Finally had to fess up when they had their own children 🙂
For the first 5 years of his life I avoided all arguments about the ice cream truck with my son by telling him it was the "music truck" bringing music to all the people who didn't have any. 5 years of just dancing on the porch while it drove by 🙂
Brilliant! Too bad it's too late for us 🙁
When my kids were toddlers we didn't have a lot of money for food but we had a garden. I would slice up cucumbers and give them cucumber 'cookies' for snacks. They loved them and pretty soon we all just called them cookies. When my oldest son was in 2nd grade he came home from school furious. He yelled that I had LIED to him. The ultimate sin. Those weren't cookies he said disgustedly. Turns out they had a party at school and some school mom had given him real cookies. He had embarrassed himself by trying to tell her they weren't cookies. When he learned he was wrong he was mad at his evil mother. And then I had to come up with real cookies.
I'm a single mum and my almost 4 year is up and down every night like a blue as fly so I made up a monster who comes and gets naughty lids that get out of their bed, he's mummy's friend and calls me to check she is in bed she always stays in her bed after he calls to check , oli also say that he is so proud of her when she does stay in her bed and that she is always safe in the house cause we have a really awesome protection spell !!!! I feel like an asshole but it really works hehe
My son had no concept of what time it was or how much time had passed and I took full advantage of that. I wouldn't let him eat sweets but ate them myself. I ate his halloween candy. I threatened to call santa many times and occasionally did. i told him I had eyes in the back of my head and could see through walls, and could see what he was doing at all times. I told him my loud farting noises would keep the monsters away all night. I told him yes, I will check on you after you fall asleep or yes, I will keep the door open (got caught on the last one). Can't do any of that stuff now; he's 14.
I used to tell my kids that Wendy's didn't sell Frosty's in the winter time so that I didn't have to listen to them whine when I wouldn't buy them one. At one time they were convinced that the Tooth Fairy only came on Tuesdays because we kept forgetting to leave the money for them.
so awful. all of these. no wonder kids nowadays are such assholes.
Real is what they are
As a divorced mom, I wouldo put on my pjs and tell my kids I was not going out. When they fell asleep the nanny arrived and I went out on a date. They never knew I left the house or went anywhere.
I completely forget tooth fairy money under the pillow, so they think it can be anywhere around the house and I usually slip it in somewhere when I realize they are looking.
I suck the middle out of her pizza rolls and tell her its because the sauce will burn her mouth
My son has lots of food allergies. He's allergic to the good stuff. When I'm eating something that I don't want to share (that he's not allergic to), I'll tell him with a straight face that it has peanuts in it. Or that it was cooked in peanut oil. He leaves me alone and I pig out. And I've never felt bad about it because food. (And 90% of the time, he's already eaten his food and is being kid-greedy.) #RealMomLife