Hi gang! Stevie here. 

A few days ago I had what I considered to be a very mild conversation with my currently-pregnant-with-her-first-kid sister. Apparently what I consider mild and not shocking, she considers not mild and incredibly shocking. Which, now that I think about it. It is. When I was pregnant with Duchess, I was so excited for her come out of my body so I could meet her face to face that I completely neglected to consider what would happen to my body once she was out!  Had the information I presented to my sister been presented to me before my first child was born, I suppose I would have been shocked too. Still, I wish I would have known it then, and I am glad she knows it now. I mentioned our conversation to John and in a very John-like fashion he said “You should write it down for the blog! I bet other moms will be able to relate!”

And then I said “I don’t know John. Some of it is kind of icky.”

And he said “Some of it is kind of icky should be the motto for the whole of parenting.”

So here you go: a few tidbits of information about labor and post-partum life that you won’t find on your cutesy little iPhone app that tells you what size fruit your baby currently is:

Disclaimer: I am obviously not a medical professional. This is all based off my experiences. Your results may vary. 

You’ll probably poop on the delivery table.

Funny story: when I went into labor with Duchess, it dawned on me that I had no idea how to push. Even with all the birthing classes we took, somehow that was left out. I was clueless. How do you contract your muscles to push a baby out of your vagina? Not exactly something I’d practiced. Well it turns out, I had. Because it’s a lot like pooping. And in fact, you’ll do just that while trying to push the baby out. The nurses will tell you that you didn’t. But you’ll see them swoop in, and change the out the pad. And you’ll ask “did I just poop?” and they’ll say “No! Of course not!” And then your loving husband will assure you that you did, in fact, just poop on a table in front of strangers.

Who has two thumbs and is about to poop on the table?

It is going to swell.

And by “it” I mean your vagina. I just didn’t think that looked right in a header. Yep, it’s going to get big and puffy. After delivery (even after a C-Section), you’ll finally sit down on the toilet to *try* to poop (unsuccessfully, of course) and you’ll look down. And between your legs, you have a comical, depressing, cartoon-like vagina staring back at you. And it will be discolored. And you will freak out. And you will call for the nurse. And the nurse will tell you that it’s normal. But you won’t believe her because it might be the same nurse that lied to you about pooping on the table. But trust me, it will go back to normal. Eventually.

You won’t be able to poop for a few days.

Sorry, we’re going back to poop again. You’ll feel like you have to poop. And you’ll try. And you’ll fail miserably. You are going to get the ab workout of your life when you go into labor. And if your labor goes anything like mine (and I really REALLY hope it doesn’t), the C-section will have added complications. Like the fact that your abdominal muscles are forcefully retracted for you. Oh so pleasant. So count sit-ups out for a while. And don’t be concerned when you finally rejoice and celebrate your first bowel movement a few days later. Your partner might not understand your joy, but hopefully they’ll rejoice with you anyway.

You are going to get milk everywhere.

Whether or not you decide to breastfeed, your body is going to produce milk. And it will produce a lot of it. And it will come out at the most inconvenient of times. Sitting at a restaurant? There goes your milk. On the bus? Hope you brought a change of shirt. Breast pads are your new best friend. Take them EVERYWHERE. Don’t worry, eventually your body will adjust and will only release milk when you’re feeding the baby. Or when the baby cries. Or when you’re in the shower. Or when something randomly grazes your boob. Or you know, when it wants to. But less frequently.

You’re going to have feelings that scare you.

Your body has gone through some big physiological and hormonal changes in the last 10 months. In the days and months after childbirth those changes keep happening. Taking all of those changes and combining them with the stress, sleep deprivation, and countless other unforeseen events around childbirth has a tendency to jumble the feels a bit. Or a lot. Or a lot a lot. It is OK to feel sad or angry or scared or overwhelmed, but it is also important to reach out if these feelings begin to take over. Don’t wait until it’s knocking on your door. Before or shortly having you baby, read over the warning signs. Know your resources. But most of all, know that needing help is not you failing. It’s you thriving. It’s that first step in doing everything you can for your baby; by being the best mom you can be. The best YOU you can be. There are some wonderful resources out there if you need help. Start with your doctor or OB but you can also find wonderful resources through other women at Postpartum Progess.

I experienced PPD with both of our kids. With help from the resources I listed above we were able to address it early and effectively and eventually everything turned out much better than OK! Which leads me to my last point. 

I know that you’re going to figure everything out.

You might not know it, but I do, and now that you can see I am not afraid of telling you about the bad and the ugly, you’ll believe the good I can tell you too. One of my biggest fears through pregnancy wasn’t that I was going to have a bad labor. It was what I was going to do afterwards. What was I going to do when the hospital sent me home with this tiny little human that we were now in charge of keeping alive. More than I was afraid of milk stains on my shirt and my grotesque-looking vagina, I was afraid of being a mom. But I’m here to tell you now, you will figure it out. You will discover what her cries mean. What times of day she likes to play and when she wants to sleep. You’ll find out how she likes to be held, how she likes to be talked to. And best of all, you’ll find out how much you mean to her. You will suddenly become the most important person in someone else’s world, and that is all at once humbling, empowering, and incredibly cool. 

Good luck, mom.

Love, Stevie

OK current moms and moms to be! What did I miss? What did I get wrong? What would you add? Let us know in the comments, and don’t forget to come over to the Ask Your Dad Facebook Page to join the conversation their too!